Till I collapse

Hello.

Back from my self imposed exile.
You all must think I love exercise.
I do it enough.
But I hate it.
I really do.
I like the way it makes me feel.
I love the benefits.
I have no urge to make it fun.
Because you know what I hated more than I hate exercise.
Knowing that of all the people that had abandoned me and hurt me over my life..
I had hurt myself more than all of them combined.
And self induced pain and shame is something I hate more than a little exercise.
The hour or two I spend every day making sure it never happens again.
Worth it.

I remember once being around 190 lbs...
My heart started racing and I felt light headed.
and  I thought:
 "I am going to drop dead on this stupid machine."
The following thought was...(because this is how my mind works.)
"She died doing what she hated."
lololol.
The follow on thought to that was...
"But at least I died trying."
and I kept going.

So, I was listening  to this song today...I love eminem.
I get him and he would get me if he knew me.
And man...It's what I have felt like sometimes.
Really all through my life.
And
As I was sitting in church on Sunday contemplating the notion of spiritual gifts (and still trying to figure what mine was or is)
When it came to me.
I finally realized what spiritual gift I have.
I am a fighter.
Always have been...
I do it naturally.
Quitting is a foreign concept.

But
Trying to lose that last 10-20 lbs.
It has been a struggle.
To balance weight loss and life.
Feeling myself pulled in 20 different directions.
But if there is one thing I have learned.
A divided mind is a mind easily conquered.
You have to know your purpose.
And
Be willing to pay any price.
I am willing now.
 I have decided to give a good hard run at it these last four months of this year.
See where I get if I 'apply' myself.
So, hard core never hurt...
In fact, it works.
When irresistable force meets moveable object.
Irresistable Force Always Wins.
You aren't a failure till you quit.
I am no quitter.
I'm going to finish this.
Chris out.