What is my glitch?

"Fat is supposed to represent being 

ugly, 

needy, 

out of control, 

depressed, 

vulnerable 

and so on. 

Our culture teaches us 

to relegate these all-too-human feelings 

to the shadows of our psyches,

to strive to be everything that “fat” is not. 

So people work very hard 

at not being “fat” 

- all those virtuous meals and workouts

and sacrifices are designed 

to hold the things we fear 

at bay."

- HAES Files: When Health Speech is Hate Speech

I am not responsible for other people's choices.

I am not responsible for other people's mistakes.

Rinse. Repeat.

So, what do you do when someone's Facebook status declares that sugarless gum is so wonderful because it curbs the appetite and burns calories while you chew it?

Block them, right?

I don't  need to see that kind of eating disordered, pro-ana bullsh*t on my...

Wait.

Why am I so angry?

The person didn't put it on my wall.

I was not tagged in the post.

Their comment was not directed at me.

Why do I care??

Talk about a Lisa Life Lesson.

It's me.

That type of self-punishing, starvation-as-virtue, body-negating, pro-diet rhetoric reminds me of that part of me that I've been struggling to overcome for the better part of a decade. Even more than just overcome, I've been trying to kill that part of me so I never have to suffer it again.

I've gotten most of that kind of thinking out of my system. I probably should have put "most" in quotes since apparently I still get reactivated when someone reflects that old part of me, as if trying to resuscitate it after I've spent so long trying to get over it.

Again, what do anyone else's stupid choices have to do with me?

They only have something to do with me because I still have unresolved anxiety about my determination to overcome body dysmorphism, fat phobia and restrictive dieting. 

In other words,

I guess I'm not over it.

I still use "I'm too fat" as my go-to reason for anything that goes wrong in my life.

It's my go-to excuse for not doing things I want to do.

It's my go-to reason for not having a boyfriend (not exactly sure I want one, but still, it would be nice to have the option).

The fear of being negatively judged about my size is a source of great insecurity and anxiety for me.

That anxiety,

my un-surety,

is the open wound that

burns when someone expresses an opinion that reminds me of how I used to be, how I used to obsess, punish and shame myself for eating

and for being my size.



Can you imagine? We live in a society where a fat person is ashamed to feed herself. Hey, a $60 billion diet industry doesn't thrive without a powerful propaganda machine.

People are so brainwashed into believing that fat is demonic

and voluntary food restriction is virtuous

that they won't even entertain the notion that health relies on eating a good amount of  good food.



But that's not my glitch today.

My glitch is that for all my writing and understanding on the subject of smart nutrition I still get a sharp pain in my snapping turtle when I see someone making the same mistakes I made for most of my life.



Don't credit me with having compassion.

It's more like empathy, a selfish empathy.

I want my lessons to stay learned.

I don't want to spend energy on fighting demons I thought I'd already slayed.

If someone wants to drive by my curb and resuscitate a dead demon

that I've tossed out on garbage day

I need to

not

take

it

personally.



Working on it.

Still not the Buddha over here.

Not even close to being Jesus.



*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*

Dramas.

We create drama in order to convince ourselves that we're in control.

We create dramas so we can work through them

and heal. It's much harder to learn than to give up control.

It's much harder to make change.

click here or click below